The Bad Dream Notebook Read online

  Copyright © 2017 by Linda Dahl Vogl

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

  Published 2017

  Printed in the United States of America

  Print ISBN: 978-1-63152-294-9

  E-ISBN: 978-1-63152-295-6

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2017940184

  For information, address:

  She Writes Press

  1563 Solano Ave #546

  Berkeley, CA 94707

  Cover and interior design by Tabitha Lahr

  She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Especially for those who love a child struggling with addiction. And for those who seek compassion, not condemnation, and knowledge, not contempt, to treat this chronic mental health disease.

  “Rather frightening what grief can uncover in you.”

  —Jane Gardam, Old Filth

  CONTENTS

  Dirty Little Secret

  Grieving for Dummies

  Walking the Dog

  He’s Not There

  My Poor Name Rehearse

  The Last Martini

  Holiday Grief Workshop

  AA-Approved Literature

  Picture Me Raw

  The Mona Project

  Mrs. Madonna

  Pop the Balloon

  Nanny in Miami

  Guatemalan Briefcase

  How Could You Eat the Pie and then Leave Me?

  The Bad Dream Notebook

  A Severed Heart

  The Modern Widows Club

  Scrabbled

  Laughing at Life

  Bad Dream Notebook II

  It is night and, as Mona walks, the streetlights go out and it is completely dark. The street is deserted, and she hears her footsteps loud on the pavement, then terror erupts at the sound of other quick footsteps behind her. She starts to run. The terror builds; she is about to give in to it, but, with an enormous effort of will, she turns around and shouts, “No!” The fear dissolves and she is filled with a power she’s never imagined she could possess.

  DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

  Erica “knows” in the dream that this is where you go when you’ve been bad: this huge dog crate, already full of miscreants. She recognizes Mona, Kyle, Dane. And Casho, in for peeing on the living room rug again. They’re squeezed in together, blank-eyed, as in a politically incorrect, old-timey zoo. The wire door is unfastened and Erica is pushed inside. “Welcome,” an offstage voice booms, “to your new life.”

  At the scruffy animal shelter, the receptionist, in a tight T-shirt and jeans that accentuate what had been called thunder thighs in Erica’s long-ago high school days, squints up at her.

  “I’m here for community service hours,” Erica says. She hears a strange wobble in her voice and clears her throat. “Do I give you the paperwork?”

  “Yeah, give it to me. The director’s busy. Newborn litter of pups dumped outside last night. What else is new?” The receptionist raises her voice against a sudden din of frantically barking dogs. “Sign here, date it, and you can put in your hours when you’re done today.”

  Erica commits forgery and hands her the completed paper.

  “Wow, I went to high school with a girl with that name! We weren’t, like, friends,” the receptionist adds.

  Erica’s cheeks flare. “Really? What a coincidence. Well, I googled my name once and got hits from all over.”

  “Not me. Ernestine Gasparino? No way!”

  “Maybe not so many there,” Erica concedes.

  “Well, lemme take you back, but don’t pet any of the dogs, even if they come up to you.”

  They stop beside a scrappy little woman, hosing down empty dog cages. “How ya doin’?” the woman says by way of a greeting. “Here to do community service? Great, cos we’re short-staffed again and those litter boxes got to get cleaned.”

  In a cluttered storage room, there are hills of litter boxes, fumes rising, piled every which way around a slop sink. Right. It’s as bad as Erica imagined it would be. She pulls on a pair of rubber gloves that have seen hard duty and plunges into water, bleach, cat piss, and shit. My cup of litter runneth over, she thinks. Now I really feel like I committed a crime.

  Still, she’s clearly needed, and, of course, her soul can probably use some simple, if unpleasant, physical labor. For three weeks, Monday through Friday, three hours a day. When Erica finishes the litter boxes, she starts on dirty food bowls.

  By her second week at the shelter, Erica gets a promotion to sorting and folding some of the many, many donated blankets that are high up on shelves and crammed into corners. Plus, now she has a workmate.

  “Hey,” he says. “Kyle.” He looks everywhere but at her.

  “Nice to meet you, Kyle. I’m Mona.”

  Kyle does the heavy lifting, unloading piles from the high shelves, and then they sort and fold, at first silently. Kyle is a teenager, tall, wide-shouldered, and skinny, awkward with hormones.

  The shyness might be an act, Erica considers. He’s more likely one of those kids her daughter hung out with in senior year, speeding around without their seatbelts on, while high on the incredibly long list of stuff kids now use and abuse, from marijuana-laced lip balm to bath salts, to something they squeeze on their eyeballs, plus whatever pills are on hand. Booze of course. And heroin. Kyle has golden-brown hair cut short. Gym-type muscles.

  Eventually, they get talking about why he’s at the shelter doing community service.

  “Ah, it was just pot,” he says, grimacing. “OK, I was stupid to have it on the seat when the cops stopped me. But, I mean, I wasn’t, like, dealin’. There’s serious addicts in this town, man. Why do they bother over a little marijuana?”

  Erica can’t help but agree with him. Almost. Of course, everyone in the recovery business says marijuana is a gateway drug, slowing down brain development for kids, as well as reflexes. It was—it had—back in her day. But Erica has seen so much worse, she’s on Kyle’s side. What’s a little pot? Compared to hard drugs, nothing in her view.

  “I guess they’re afraid once you use anything that not’s legal, it’s a slippery slope. You know, all that other stuff that’s out there. Oxycodone—Oxys? Even heroin.”

  “I wouldn’t get into that shit,” Kyle says fervently, then turns bright red. “Stuff,” he mumbles. “I would never be a junkie.”

  Erica stops folding and regards him. There is certainly hope for this lad if he is ashamed of saying shit in front of her—her own child slings the f word around endlessly, although it’s her tendency to call Erica dude that really upsets her. But she can’t let the j word slip by. “They’re somebody’s children, you know,” she says, shakily.

  “What?”

  “Addicts. Drug addicts.”

  Kyle shrugs. “Yeah? So anyway, why are you here folding animal blankets?”

  “Me? Oh, tickets. Speeding. One too many. Dumb, like you! Always in a hurry. Well, not now.” She has folded way more blankets than Kyle. Clearly, his mom has always done the laundry.

  Two mutts who have the run of the ramshackle building trot over. Kyle, ignoring Ernestine Gasparino’s warning about pet
ting strange dogs, bends over to stroke the black one with funny white patches like spilled paint all over its back, and all of a sudden Erica is about to cry. This happens so often that she knows exactly what to do. She pinches her arm with expert cruelty. That and the recent meds help fend off a lot of her emotional bingeing, but not all. The pain—let’s be real, the anger—has to go somewhere. And it tends to spill out of her in stinging drops. Kyle’s thoughtless “junkie” has made her think of Dane, Mona’s friend or more–than-friend, the winter of Mona’s senior year in high school, John’s last winter, when everything but his falling apart had seemed insubstantial to Erica. Except that now she has a clear memory of Dane gently petting Casho. Dane, who was nothing like Kyle except for being a teenager. Dane was pale and wan, a vegan drifter—she’s certain Kyle lives on sausage pizza and contact sports—and, of course, there were Dane’s track-riddled arms. She saw them the morning she came out of her bedroom just as Dane was scooting out of the little bathroom in the hall to disappear back into the rankness of her daughter’s room. Skinny, scarred, scabby arms. Probably his whole body looked like that. She’d felt sick and angry: this hangdog, half-homeless, adolescent addict was in her home and not even in the spare room she’d insisted on. (Her daughter had pleaded, “Please Mom, he’s been kicked out of his house, and it’s winter. He has nowhere to go but the train station. We’re not doing anything; he just needs a friend.”) At the same time that Erica wanted to throw him out in the cold, she also wanted to feed this wretched boy. So, she made a stack of pancakes and fruit salad for Dane that day when the kids finally got up. She could only hope he hadn’t broken her rule about no drugs in her house. Yeah, right. As she was always relearning, however, addicts always do drugs.

  One night, about a month after the Dane incident, she’d woken up before dawn to find her daughter curled in a ball next to her, shaking and sobbing. One of the kids in the alternative senior-year program she and Dane and a bunch of other bright, creative, fucked-up kids were in had called her: Dane, who’d been let back in his house, had been found in his bed by his dad, dead of an overdose. Eighteen years old.

  “He was so mixed up, but he was a good kid.”

  Erica held her so tightly both could barely breathe. “Can I stay here at home with you today and skip school?” Mona pleaded.

  Erica scanned the ceiling, as if looking for an answer. There were rarely answers.

  “OK.” Mona could be next. At any time. And Erica was a husk. But then life had lurched on, Dane was not talked about much, and, now, all these months later, Erica is here at the animal shelter, watching Kyle hug a funny-looking dog. “Champ,” he says. “That’s what I’m going to call him.”

  “Champ?” It doesn’t suit him. He’s a lowly misfit, this dog. An outcast. But, well, he’s also a survivor.

  “It’s a good name for him.” Kyle stands up and looks around at the huge store of bedding. “There’s so much of this sh . . . stuff, we’ll never get it done.”

  Erica snaps a thin blanket, and it sails out. “We don’t have to get it all done,” she tells him. “Just put in our time.” She folds it, remembering her mother pegging out laundry on the line in their boxy backyard. Mom. Kyle is censoring shit to stuff, because she is a mom. Absurdly, Erica wants to tell him there had been a time when she was a hot babe. That words like shit and fuck had been part of the standard lexicon back then, too. That she had once seduced a boy kind of like Kyle during a college trip in Mexico and discovered (because he told her) that he was a virgin. A boy with golden curls she’d had not-very-satisfactory sex with on a beach, sand biting into her body, both of them full of wine and hormones.

  “Anyway, it’s not a real job.”

  In her third and last week at the shelter, she’s given the plum job of walking dogs in the gilded October woods across the street from the shelter. On Friday, her very last day, she walks a pit-mutt that she doesn’t trust. It pulls her up and up the winding path to the top of a ridge where, at last, the sad, endless barking of the beasts below cannot be heard. The air is filled with the incense of autumn, and the pit-mutt happily ignores her, nosing through the mess of earth and leaves and probably dead little animals. She thinks about Casho, her creamy pudge of a Labrador, who does the same thing. John and Mona had gotten him together as a puppy, as a surprise, in her other lifetime. Casho has developed the habit of peeing on rugs ever since the nightmare began.

  “Have you been through a crisis recently?” Ann the shelter director, with her sensible, blunt-cut hair and sturdy boots, had inquired when Erica ventured to ask her for advice about this peeing problem a few days before. “Cos dogs pick up on our emotions, you know.”

  Well, yeah. Hell, yeah. “Crises,” Erica said. “As in a bunch.” Maybe she should crate Casho, but he’d hate that. Or find him a more emotionally stable home. But that’s unacceptable. She and Casho are in this for the long haul. She’ll just have to keep buying Nature’s Miracle and roll up the rugs.

  When she brings the pit back to the shelter, she sees Kyle at the gate, car keys in hand.

  “You’re leaving, Kyle?” Without saying goodbye to me, Kyle?

  “Oh, hey, yeah. I’m finally done with this fu . . . friggin’ place. You weren’t around, so . . .”

  “Well, good for you. And me. We’re done here! So, what’s next for you?” Community college? A shit job? Pot dealer?

  “Mmm, I don’t know.” He has that frozen look they all get at his age, which she is sure she used to get, while contemplating the future. She should tell him it will be all right—he can use all of this to build something solid—but she doesn’t, because he can’t hear the drone of grown-up voices. She wants to tell him not to settle, to have adventures, leave this town, hook up with girls, or guys if that’s your preference, get or don’t get tattoos, be a bartender somewhere cool, backpack through a Third World country. That was what they did back in her day, for what it was worth. But he wouldn’t hear her. Today’s kids are saddled with a different vision of the future: one of student debt and no security. You probably needed so much money today even for backpacking.

  She settles for “Good luck, Kyle. You’re a great guy.”

  What she doesn’t want to tell him is that she, Erica Mason, is a liar; she is impersonating someone else. Her incapacitated daughter. She’s done community service for her daughter’s crime. She has kept it a secret from everyone, but the echoes of the canine howls of protest have been an aural backdrop to her guilt about pretending to be Mona these last three weeks. In the woods, walking dogs this past week, she’d imagined herself as Mona, kicking a pile of leaves, sullen with moisture. Imagined herself on a log in the dappled sun, talking to the dog, as Mona. “Good dog, good dog.” Though he didn’t seem to want to be petted. Poor beast, living in a holding cell. “I love you,” she’d said to this dog. She tried to imagine Mona saying it, but she could not. Erica says, “I love you,” a lot in her head to Mona. Sometimes she suspects she’s saying it because, so often, she does not love Mona; in fact, sometimes she hates her. And that cannot be. In the woods, she stood up and kicked some leaves, thinking about kicking Mona. Erica has had her heart broken very recently, of course, over John, but she has never experienced such unbearable pain as she does now for her teenaged blackmailer who relentlessly ups the ransom each time.

  She doesn’t hate Mona. She hates what Mona has become. In the little office, Ernestine hands her the completed time sheet to mail to the court. Signed, Mona Grey. What would the judge do if he knew it was a forgery? How would Erica be penalized? Lectured about what a pathetic enabler she is? Made to serve more community service hours for her crime?

  As she drives home, languid raindrops turn into steady rain. She dashes into her silent house, makes the reluctant Casho go outside to pee—he doesn’t like to get wet—makes coffee, and sits down to read the local paper. She comes to an interview with a young woman about her brother’s recent suicide. “I realized how self-centered grieving was, and I decided I would be di
fferent; I would not grieve.” Erica flings the paper away as if it were on fire.

  Erica hears a choking sound; it’s her, gagging on the invisible smoke that clogs her air, the smog and sting of grief. John is dead, Mona is a drug addict, and guess what? You don’t get to choose how to grieve; it has its own agenda. It is a shapeshifter, it bides its time, striking when it can. Noiselessly and efficiently. Oh, the girl in the newspaper will find this out.

  Later, she calls Ronnie, ready to confess her crime. Her most trusted friend for many years, a gentle soul, can’t hide her incredulity. “You what? Did three weeks of community service pretending you were Mona? But why, Erica? What were you thinking? After what she’s put you through?”

  “It had to be done.”

  “By her. Not you. It’s not your responsibility.”

  “But she’s in Brooklyn, in college; she’d have to drop out, and she’d be back in the old neighborhood. I couldn’t risk it.”

  OK, she’s a bad liar, and Ronnie knows her so well. And Erica knows herself well enough to know she’s way off base. She gets the faulty reasoning and the codependency thing from decades of going to AA meetings. She’s “enabling” Mona’s disease yet again, cleaning up after her big-time. But she can’t get around or through it: Mona is incapable of doing her time. Mona with the now-jutting bones, the permanent cold. She has shaved her head; lucky for her, she has a beautifully shaped one. Mona in that hole of a room in Greenpoint, probably just pretending to go to classes. Erica prays every day that she is going, doing her work. She suspects that Mona is still doing drugs.

  After dinner on a tray (always on a tray now, even though there are three tables to choose from in this house: the round one in the kitchen, the polished, French country antique in the dining room, and the wicker one on the porch), Erica picks up one of the Scandinavian crime novels she reads as mindlessly as eating pistachios. This one features a detective who’s also a recent widow. Imagine that. Hyperattentive to the real and imagined pathology of their shared status, Erica compares their symptoms. The Swede seems basically psychotic—the book says that “she existed outside all reality”—resigned to a lifetime of sustained, crushing loss, which seems plausible to Erica.